She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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