My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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