You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
