we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
