Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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