Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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