I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
