pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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