Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
