when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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