Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
