"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
