God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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