Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
