It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
