i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
