all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
