Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
