I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
