I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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