my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
