in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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