I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
