So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
