you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize