Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
