the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
