saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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