Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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