So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
