He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
