Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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