So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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