rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
