I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
