i jhust puked up my retainher.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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