The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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