Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
