She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
