Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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