I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
