Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
