What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
