Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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