he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
