there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
