Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize