Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
