I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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