she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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