I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
