There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
