well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
