I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
