I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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