so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
