Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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