I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
