he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
