just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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