He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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