Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
