Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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