You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
